raw and exposed

I debated writing this post. Debated. Prayed. Agonized. Cried. But here it goes…

I have to be one of the most insecure people I know. There is very little about me where I possess confidence. I struggle with second-guessing myself, worry what people are thinking, read negativity into others’ words…you get the idea. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m entirely too sensitive. I hurt easily. My perception can be somewhat skewed. I allow myself to be taken advantage of. I sometimes feel undervalued, unwanted, unworthy, and unloved. I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and dream of being beautiful. I wonder if I make a difference. I feel alone. One minute my expectations of myself are too high and of others too low while the next, my expectations of myself are too low and of others too high. Often, I just do not like me.

So, why am I laying open all these raw feelings and character flaws? Quite simple, I’m tired of them. I am tired of them controlling how I see myself. How I understand myself. What I believe about myself. I recently shared with you my adventures in Mountain Home, Texas. These are those bad behavioral habits that need to be broken. Not all are actually flaws. I want my heart to be sensitive and not hardened. I want to second-guess myself when appropriate to keep from becoming prideful. But, even these behaviors/feelings have to be kept in check.

These are burdens that I no longer want to bear. I have allowed past and present experiences/circumstances to shape me instead of God’s grace, love, mercy, and correction. I was created in His image. It is about time I let myself see Him in me.

I feel I need to qualify this post somewhat. These are not every moment feelings. I am not saying that God hasn’t been given the freedom to mold me. I do believe that others sense His presence in me. The problem is there are times where I give permission for these feelings/flaws to overtake me. My flesh is weak, and I am not relying upon Him to give me the strength and courage I need.

There has been significant growth in my life over the past year, and if you know me, then you have seen God working in me and my life. This is where I am now, and He’s expecting change. I am not looking for your pity, but I will covet your prayers. Old habits are hard to break, but there is hope. Hope in the One who created me. Hope in the One who loves me. Hope in the One desires me to be who He has called me to be. I am His.

Thanks for journeying with me. 🙂

Adventures in Mountain Home Day 10

Day 10

5/8/2013 @ 6:21 am

I am exhausted and not just from the lack of sleep. I feel tired in my spirit, if that makes any sense. If it makes sense to anyone else, please explain it to me because I don’t understand it at all. I think I may lay back down for awhile. 

Dad,
I have no idea what happened last night. Please help me understand. Give me rest, both physically and spiritually. I thank You that Your love knows no bounds. 
Love,
Your daughter

@ 6:30 am

As I prayed, I believe God gave me an answer to understanding. Most Christians walk through life oblivious to the spiritual realm because they are afraid of what they cannot see or because it seems too mystical to them. That is the reason it is so easy for the enemy to gain ground with us. We gloss over Scriptures like Ephesians 6:12, thinking it is more theoretical than reality.

“For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:12 NLT)

The fight is real. 

@ 10:43 am

Went to the lodge and talked with Norma for a bit. Sandy had to run into town, but I will see her this evening. Spent some time on the porch watching the hummingbirds then went to feed the horses. Came back to the cabin to find out Carolyn Covey had passed away. Carolyn is one of the sweetest ladies I know. She was always so loving. I pray God’s peace and comfort be with her family. 

@ 2:14 pm

Took a trip into Ingram. It is a beautiful little town. They still have a mom and pop country grocery store where I had the pleasure of meeting some of the family. Everyone was so friendly. Granted, I had to pay $2.00 for a Diet Coke, but it was well worth it. The drive is gorgeous with the winding roads, hills, creeks, and rock walls. This is much more my speed versus the beach. Although, I’m not so sure I could get used to the Texas version of palmetto bugs…scorpions. Funny though, I’m not actually afraid of scorpions but am terrified of palmetto bugs. 

@ 5:06 pm

Went back to spend some more time watching the hummingbirds. They appear to be so delicate and fragile. Appearances can be deceiving. If you watch long enough, you will see them vie for position on the “flower,” bumping another off to take its place. Sort of makes me long for that image, the countenace of being delicate but the reality of being strong. I’m more like a linebacker who cries! 😛

@ 7:33 pm

Walked around the property again. Went off the beaten path this time. I was feeling adventurous and the temptation was too great.

I could see where the longhorn had been through and trampled everything to the ground. Apparently there isn’t a fence that separates Westwood’s acreage from the nearby ranch, so the neighbor’s cattle come to visit every now and again. Just being friendly I suppose. 

The interstate runs directly in front of the property, but what I hear are the birds, the wind blowing in the trees, and the horses. I guess I could hear the cars if I wasn’t so distracted by God’s creation. It’s refreshing because normally I’m distracted by man’s. 

Dear Dad,
Once again, thank You for this time. As I leave here, I pray that I remember the things You have shown me and the tools You have provided me through Potter’s. Also, please be with Christie and Vana. My prayer is that Vana’s fever breaks and the internal bleeding stops. Give her mom comfort. Dad, I love You so much. 
Love,
Your daughter

Adventures in Mountain Home Day 8

Day 8

5/6/2013 @ 8:32 am

Slept five and a half hours last night. It was good. 

Meeting with Sandy at 12:00 pm today. There are a couple things that were said this weekend that I need clarified in my mind and explained on a deeper level: 1) wounds are other-inflicted and sin is self-inflicted. Can we not wound our own heart outside of sin? 2) what can be done to reverse generational curses?

Dad,
Thank You for the peace, calmness, and security I have this morning. Let them be interwoven into this day and the days ahead. Make Your presence strong in those who attended Heart-Shaping this weekend. Their hearts are tender and open to attack. Do not let the enemy take hold. Give them strength and courage to go into battle and be victorious! I love You. You are my God. 
Love, 
Your daughter

@ 10:04 am

Watching a video of a sweet little girl and texting a bit with my eldest. I miss them both so much. 

@12:49 pm

Sandy said my countenance is different today. Lighter. Happier. 🙂

So, the answers to my questions:
Can we not wound our own heart outside of sin? Most of the time our reactions, negative self-talk and thoughts, etc. are the result of a lie that has been attached to a wound. What we do is deepen the original wound. 

What can be done to reverse generational curses? It’s not so much a reverse as it is to just outright break it. The curse must first be identified then its release spoken into the spiritual realm. 

Going to meet up with Sandy again tomorrow at 3:00 pm. Today, I am going to relax. I may even go for a drive and look for those zebras again. Not so sure I mentioned the zebras yesterday, but on my way back from Walmart last night I saw two zebras. Sandy said the guy who owns them is an exotic animal dealer. Close to the zebras is a ranch of axis deer. I also had a black, furry, squirrel-looking thingy run out in front of my car. I have been informed that it was a rock squirrel, and they are not very well-liked because of their destructive nature. Where can you see longhorn, zebras, rock squirrels, scorpions, axis deer, rattlesnakes, hummingbirds, and horses all in the same place? Only in Texas. 

@ 4:26 pm

I had a really nice afternoon. I went for a long drive and stopped in Kerrville to get me a diet cherry limeade. The ranches here a beautiful.

As it gets later in the afternoon, I begin to get a little lonely, wishing I was with my family (immediate and extended). 

@ 7:30 pm
 
Going to make some popcorn and shoot some more zombies. Until tomorrow.

Adventures in Mountain Home Day 6

Day 6

5/4/2013 @ 12:07 am

I’m sorting out my junk; what is other-afflicted (wounds) and what is self-inflicted (sins), what belongs to me.

Pretty much can say goodbye to sleep tonight. Too stressed out. I have to learn to shut down and relax!

On a much brighter note which I meant to mention yesterday, I have never been prayed over so much in my life. Sandy, Norma, and Dave have been so encouraging and supportive. (Got to remember the book Dave recommend I read. I wrote it down somewhere). They are awesome people, and this is an incredible ministry.

Gonna go shoot some zombies.

@ 1:44 am

Zombies are kicking my butt. Solitaire it is, and if I can’t win at that then I’m just going to play Elizabeth’s Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head dress up game. Can’t exactly lose at dressing a potato.

@ 6:43 am

The way I’m feeling right now, when the conference ends at 4:30 pm tomorrow I’m going to crawl into bed and stay there until Monday.

Dear Dad,
Keep me focused and attentive to what you have for me today. Thank You for who You are, a sovereign God.
Love,
Your daughter

@ 8:02 am

So Sandy says that today is the hardest day. If we can make it today, it’ll all be downhill from here. Are you kidding me? Today is going to be the hardest day? After the past few days, I can’t imagine worse!

@ 9:01 am

Last night God exposed my true heart, leaving it raw and aching. It will only be by His power that I will not reach out to grab for some kind of covering to keep my heart protected because my default is to protect it at all cost. I believe today His plan is for me to continue in my understanding of the masks I wear/wore so I will be able to recognize when I take one off the shelf to put it on. Healing can start when I am aware that I am making a conscious choice to wrap my real heart in a false one.

What is keeping me from opening my heart to God and others? Simple, I’m afraid. Deep down I feel that there is no way God can possibly think I’m worthy of His love, His forgiveness, His grace, His mercy. The only thing I’m deserving of is His punishment. As far as others, if they knew the mess that is me…the insecurities, the fragility, the self-doubt, etc…they wouldn’t love me, they wouldn’t even like me. I run that risk with the words I write at this moment.

I know truth…God loves me and there are people who love me…my problem is getting it past head knowledge. I don’t want to make it sound as if I never feel love, from God or others, I do, more often than not, but I am in a season where it has become a struggle because I resort back to operating out of fear. I’m just plain tired of the hurt. The fear I experience is not of God. What I have and do experience from God is love, grace, mercy, justice, comfort, peace, and now I am looking forward to healing.

Another piercing discovery that I have made while at Potter’s; I am also living in shame…lack of dignity, worthlessness of being, unacceptability and illegitimacy. I am no longer comfortable with that (pretty sure that revelation and gratitude belongs to God).

Dad,
I am open to Your healing, however you choose to send it.
Love,
Your daughter

@ 11:42 am

So we are supposed to label our heart’s defense mechaisms and reflect on our wounds, identify them, list them out. Not only are we supposed to enter into our wounds, they have asked we write some of them on a red felt heart given to us and pin them to our shirts for the remainder of the day. They are asking me to bare my wounds for all to see when I haven’t even shared them with my Dad. How am I supposed to be expected to do that? I’m not strong enough.

I can’t center on every wound that comes to mind (too overwheming), so I will just list the ones that may have caused the deepest gashes:

Death of family
Broken trust
Abandonment
Words/Judgement
Molestation

All these things have created roots of hopelessness, fear, shame, rejection, worthlessness, and bitterness in me. I thought I had become the foremost authority on defense mechanisms. After all, I’ve developed and nurtured them over the years…denial, rationalization, justification, masks, etc…but my defenses are no longer working and the facade is being broken down.

As painful as this process has already been this morning, there has been a release for me. I was told today that it is possible to believe in God for forgiveness, reconciliation, and eternal life and yet still live your life totally in bondage to the lies that have been attached to your wounds. This is not what God desires for me, but I was set free from a lie. The lie that says if you TRULY believe in God, if you TRUST Him enough, and if you have ENOUGH faith, you should be able to give it all over to Him promptly, walk away, and never think of it again.

Notes from Uncovering the Wounds of the Heart

Wounds cannot be repented of. They are not accompanied by authentic guilt but usually false guilt.

The symptoms of every wound not healed will be passed down to the next generation. (I have cursed my children if I do not uncover and allow God to deal with my wounds).

If you do not have God, and have Him deeply, because of the holes in your heart, you will turn to other lovers (idols).

When a wound is punctured, the lie, the accompanying emotions and darkness are exposed.

Realize that your greatest potential is at your place of woundedness. (Use your wounds for God’s glory).

Remember that God will go to any lengths necessary to set your heart free. (Confirmation of my earlier prayer).

@ 1:46 pm

Dad,
Let my roots grow deep in Your love so You can keep me strong.
Love,
Your daughter

@ 3:00 pm

Making a list of significant people in my life and noting the expectations I have placed on each of them. Next step will be evaluating each expectation to see if they are fair and/or reasonable for the person I’ve assigned them to. If the expectation is unfair/unreasonable, then I have to unchain the person from it, but what if it is fair/reasonable and the person still doesn’t meet the expectation, what do I do? I’m thinking it really depends on what the person is capable of giving and what I’m willing to accept. Thanks, Tammy. I was really looking for implicit directions. You were no help at all. Another thing, what do you use to measure fairness/reasonableness? Don’t ask Tammy, she don’t know nothing.

There are a lot of annoying bugs in Texas.

@ 3:52 pm

How to recognize shame working in your life:

Anger when circumstances seem to be out of my control

Fear of emotion

Difficulty saying “no” to people

Fear of failing

Frequent Depression

Addictive habit or compulsive sin

Need to succeed to be accepted

Isolation

Avoidance of getting Into a position of need or dependence

Great difficulty asking for a favor or help

Being a much better giver than receiver

Being uncomfortable in a small group

Feeling tolerated rather than chosen

Having been a recipient, feeling a need to repay

Had some friends evaluate the above statements for me. The responses were not a surprise. 😦

@ 5:29 pm

I have a lot of junk, wounds and sins, that I have hidden in the darkness which need to be exposed by The Light. We were brought into a dark room, eyes closed with only a flashlight. We were instructed to open our eyes and turn on our flashlights. We had to maneuver through strewn garbage (boxes, cans, etc.) to get to our seats. Point: we needed the light to illuminate the trash so we could see the way to our seats. We need Christ’s light to do the same for us in our daily lives. “Without the light of the Holy Spirit, we are nearly defenseless against our own innate tendencies toward self-deception.”

The sins in my heart are:

unforgiveness towards others and myself, pride, worry, selfishness, and jealousy,

Dad,
I repent of and confess to You the sins that I have buried deep within my heart; my unforgivenness, my pride, my worry, my selfishness, and my jealousy. Please forgive me, purify me. My sins can no longer be hidden. I want to encounter Your light. Thank You for being faithful and just in Your forgiveness.
Love,
Your daughter

Side Note: There are two types of healing: healing of the heart and healing of the habits. Even after the heart has been healed, there are behaviors/actions (conditioned responses) that have developed into habits that still need to be broken and healed.

Tonight we will be taking our sins and wounds to the cross and nailing them there. Praying for freedom. I want to leave them there. Please, just let me leave them there.

Dear Dad,
Thank You for the gift You have provided me in being here, for such a time is this.
Love,
Your daughter